order levitra jasper buy promethazine hydrochloride online diarex pills acyclovir different types of viagra levitra cheap broward county kamagra online paypal prednisolone no prescription canada can you get flagyl otc list of all birth control pills xenical in stock misoprostol fast shipping how can i get promethazine xenotransplantation canada prescription online beconase buy online a prescription order xalatan online you how much is lexapro without insurance buy betapace tablets buy viagra online legally where to buy suhagra online acquisto viagra con mastercard epimedium donde comprar en bs as walmart pharmacy prices viagra cheap online gerneric augmentin overnight order xeloda vidal candian meds without rx rupee pill vardenafil indian brands need prednisolone 5mg generic drug neurontin cheap periactin very levitra without prescriptions accutane without a perscription kamagra uk prices amoxilin without prescription uk real viagra online pharmacy buy gabapentin on line manfaat piroxicam low cost zestoretic uses pros and cons of counterfeit cialis how can i get singulair zyrtec d lisinopril 20 mg order online rxpatrol buy exelon patch online no prescription xenical pills order schweiz cialis online bestellung 24 b kamal kunj. s.v.rod i want to buy eal viagra generic viagra in the united states robaxin 500mg suppliers buy 5 mg tadalafil online canadian pharmacys that accept paypal paxil lowest price nova school of pharmacy aurochem viagra can i get unisom 2 in canada buy cheap shatavari in canada roaccutane on line pharmacy wholesale generic erythromycin vardenafil generika two unisom tablets buy cheap anacin drug maxalt cost without insurance cheap medicine sildenafil mylan achat en ligne need plavix from the uk cost of crestor without insurance buy meds online no prescription flomax sale canada price for betnesol drops sandy river health system buy cialis get viagra free keppra generic switch sominex north drug mart canada pharmacy buy vagria how can i get aygestin pronounce lowest cost levitra men health cialis pravastatin sodium 40 mg nolvadex sold in canada tadalafil europa buy triamterene africa liquidex lovesecuretab flagyl 500 mg viagra on line vipps tadalafil online reliable atacand without a prescription prednisone 10mg side effects para que sirve sertralina companys with no prescription needed ranbaxy viagra products on line erectile dysfunction drugs canada buy aldactone without prescription discount flagyl jarabe viagra delayed ejaculation periactine acheter en ligne over the counter cialis walgreens tadalafil 60mg xenical next day delivery nyc generic name erythromycin ophthalmic ointment ciplox cheapest price nz viagra for young men bentyl lowest price guarantee biotech ciprofloxacin 250 rosa impex viagra womens viagra sales canadapharmacy how to buy azithromycin online viagra best prices online fluoxetine sale powder buying cheap cialis online cialis 20 mg 4 compresse. viagra testpackung viagra patent expiration date in canada doxycycline cost walmart advair generic launch order albenza online can you www fast suhagraat com buy viagra with paypal uk tantalum healthy man discount viagra domperidone without perscription generic pharmacy india methotrexate tablets from buy short term prednisone and weight gain no perscription hydrocodine cafergot-availability-2012 buy cheap zetia vegas why was cefdinir discontinued viagra vs cialis price atrovent viagara canadian pharmacies viagra with dapoxetine review flexisyn online cheap clothes best drugstore powder safe to buy cialis online canadian pharmacy plaquenil online buy calcium carbonate jordan sex pill where can i get flagyl antib for men looking for viagra pills for men buy viagra amex mexico care pharmacy mail medinations.be loc:at buy acivir cialis buy usa prenisone drug store can i buy cialis without a prescription cuckold healthy man viagra radio ad some contachilometri how can i buy cialis cheap buy antibiotics nitrofurantoin usa cialis discount how long do i take pyridium levitra 10mg polen belize pharmacy vicodin viagra capsules levittraohne rezept apotheke flomax over the counter medication like miglior prezzo cialis generico buy viagra online usa paypal terbinafine buy minipress prednisone 40 mg taper buy liquid cialis viagra cialis levitra lequel choisir viagria china viagra manufacturer tadacip 20 no prescription methotrexate order set cialis reviews to buy viagra xenical diet pt 100mg clomid reviews pharmacie ligne viagra gold 800 mg xenical pills coreg sales where to buy abayas online dumocycline online canadian pharmacy no rx your pharmacy support team lady era ordering cartier viagra 50mg price nor vibrax comprar where to buy glycomet use buy online viagra usa kamagra 247 review doxycycline cost cvs basketsevreetmaine vytorin lowest price yojimbo metronidazole 500mg tablets amazon canadian pharmacies selling avodart where to buy griseofulvin over the counter how can i get premarin a prescription metformin ordering from canada fluoxetine sales famvir online order noida walmart pharmacy tax information cheap levitra professional where can iget synthroid viagra for sale online genuine cialis from canada was kostet viagra in apotheke teladifil canada buy order omnicef online generic lisinopril cheapest price melbourne actors in cialis commercials canadian drug store online belgium viagra cialis professional india gunstig viagra bestellen cialis online mastercard buy tinidazole 500mg methotrexate canada where to buy sildensfil citrate online viagra price ampicillin color in india brand viagra from canada abilify cheap viagra 200mg inderal for sale xenical 60 mg benicar lowest price z10 dr reddy finasteride buy matthew mcconaughey hair viagra jelly for sale uk 123 cheapest price on voltaren at walmart drus on line mexico cialis g??nstig bestellen non prescription metformin estrofem usage dipyridamole online cheap prescription abortion pill fast delivery uk no one sex tablet for man buy cefixime 400 mg buy bactrim in usa discount drugs buy femcare online levitra price where to buy metformin tablets tretinoin cream usp online how can i get zyloprim you high mexico pharmacy clitoris worldbestonlinepharmacy great online pharmacy best ever price on 100 mg viagar xeloda over the counter you buy viagra super force side effects healthyman viagra generic viagra shipped to p o box shallaki buy online himalaya buy amoxil with out persaption ecco outsourcing egypt clomid 25mg for men cialis price in saudi arabia viagra generic japan sildenafil generic cost amantadina clorfenamina order cefspan viagra hawaii where to buy brand cialis online tadalafil generico italia ubat dexamethasone levothroid articulo 14 buying pain pills online where is the best place to buy viagara canadian online pharmacy cialis tetracycline hcl prices does medicare pay for cialis vardenafil rdt viagra logo generic lariam brand names of water pills cheapest xenical 120mg cheap online viagra sales viagra generico buy trandate in canada kamagra oral jelly reviews accutane se where to buy man 1 man oil how to buy cymbalta cheap reglan cheapest price canada levitra 20 mg reviews duramycin for gonorrhea canadian pharmacy no prescriptions by prednisone w not prescription dallas cialis brand canada buy doxycycline online no prescription how can i get eulexin been around tidak menggemukkan meaning viagra ordered from united states kamagra oral jelly in america estrogen for sale eldepryl over the counter quinn crestor cost walgreens online canadian pharmacy viagra echeck hydrochlorothiazide non perscription eyeglasses amitriptyline amazon buy lifta tadalafil different viagra filling viagra prescription on line where can i purchase nitrofurantoin online purchase vytorin in canada where to buy protonix cheap kamagra ginseng next day delivery xanax difference in viagra doses cheapest price on desyrel street price-of-cialis-at-walmart 24 hr canadian pharcemy cheap aciphex aricept tablets uk wellbutrin online without rx cheap rogaine zimbabwe maxifort zimax 50mg kamagra online cheap next day delivery buy wellbutrin online us pharmacy retin a for sale estrace pills fast shipping malegra 100 pro how can i get confido himalaya robaxin otc usa doxycycline next day delivery cheap abana tatilya extacy pills identifier buy cefixime online in a single dose viagra deutschland ohne rezept pfizer brand viagra canadian generic dapoxetine for sale can i buy seroquel in mexico modern depression article 63 viagra purchase viagra cialis online custom top kick 4x4 for sale viagra 100 mg pills erectile dysfunction online medal levitra ordering glycomet non perscription sunglasses alternative to viagra available in nz www.vigora100 cheap erectile dysfunction pills sublingual cialis apo sildenafil 50 mg canadian pharmacy clomid lloyds didi ki suhagraat endep cheapest price nz ny canadian pharmacey tadalafil india pharmacy buy nolvadex perth shop cafergot in singapore online drug store ed rush cialis online cialis co pay order bilharzia medication online prednisolone 5mg order lithium online akku yamaha xs650 ordering lithium from canada buy risperdal without prescription tretinoin without a prescription canada cheapest price on claritin xarope himcolin gel how to use pletal online cheap kurti over the counter lexpro viagra uk hydroxyzin rezeptfrei kaufen pharmacy cheapest on line pharmacys in india new healthy man bepanthene 250ml aldactone on line discount drugs buy cialis with amex yasmin online no prescription buy prednisolone tablets online cytotec online cheapest viagra uk propecia tablets viagra dino cymbalta online pharmacy geneic levitra doxycycline in mexico levitra professional kaufen generic levitra with dapoxetine overnight viagra pharmacy overnight where to buy precose the internet buy brand name viagra online canada dapoxetine trial pack buy renagel online can you sildenafil pharmacy in cyprus 5 mg tadalafil online buy betnovate cream canadian pharmacy cialis 20mg generic alendronate sodium viagra on sale buy cheap sildalis online clobex buy alesse 28 online closest natural thing to viagra priligy review buy prescriptions order spironolactone online canadian no perscrible pharmacy order chloroquinine from canada online pharmacy levitra long sex tablet cheap xalatan than xalatan how to get seroquel out of your system order free birth control online vaiagra viagra dapoxetine online purchase 259 prednisone canada pets drug stores buying generic viagra online cum torture online pharmacy viagra generic advair cheapest price at cvs buy viagra switzerland viagra online europe xanax avant dentiste where to buy viagra in hong kong no prescription estrofem amazon vancouver viagra azithromycin sold in stores buy accutane canadian pharmacy online refill network viagra online phamaces buy generic augmentin online articulo 54 buy viagra 100 from walmart get clomid from india buy viagra in vancouver cheapest price on antabuse usa cadian viagra no script order doxycycline online google viagra ebay cheap antabuse coupon codes for nympo max pills tadalafil 20mg preisvergleich buy synthroid from mexico obat sikotec area surabaya liquid cialis online buy clomid online south africa buy zoloft cheap no rx finpecia over the counter strike viagra aka bull 100 rx mex pharmacy viagra drink escorts viagra without prescription in uk da narucim cialis order synthroid without prescription pharmacy nuevo progreso where to buy danazol india buy prescription drugs from india maxifort online nonprescription levitra buy antibiotics without prescription ompranyt online uk fertomid non perscription xanex canadian pharmacy motrin suspension order deltasone with no prescription buy doxazosin for cheap where can i purchase oxytrol sold mobic buy cheap viagra with amex 100mm viagra to purchase plavix 75 mestinon cheapest price sydney 5mg lavitra canadian pharmacy elocom crema brand viagra online canada pharmacy buy viagra in sweden 250 internet pharmacies p-force amaryl german drugstore online blupill generic amoxil gluten free suhagra 50 support order cs viagra 50mg sale levothyroxine 75 mcg buy online uk tramadol credit online is buying viagra online legal buy seroquel no script cyklokapron lowest price injection jual cytotec jakarta non prerscription hydroclothiazide names of prescription water pills lisinopril cost without insurance buy novadex canadian drug fail mall legal buy viagra online ireland

CATEGORY

Priscilla in the Kitchen

Written by Batsheva Twerski on Monday, 14 March 2011. Posted in Humor

Dearest Vivian,
Please be seated while you read this, my darling, for I fear that your heart may simply stop beating due to the magnitude of the tragedy that has befallen me. Oh how I loathe to distress you, but I need your prayers, for now it is only G-d that can assuage my pain.
Lalita is leaving me. She has been running our kitchen for over seven years and the last time she left for two days we packed up and stayed at the Ritz until she returned. Mother always says that if a person is unable to hire a chef for whatever awful reason, they should simply commit a crime and go to prison, because the loss of freedom is a small price to pay for the dignity of at least having your meals prepared. I've heard about people on welfare who have to clean their own homes and prepare their own food and I positively weep for the tortured souls.
Lalita came to me this week with some lame excuse about her husband having cancer and how she had to go back to Mexico to care for him.  Does the woman actually think that her husband's health condition is more of a priority than my nutrition? And what of Muffy??  The vet has her on a special high fiber diet because she simply cannot properly digest the store bought doggie foods.  I can't feed her just anything!  Does she want Muffy to develop irritable bowel syndrome like she did last winter?
Roger does not understand the gravity of the situation. Men can be so obtuse sometimes. When I insisted that he buy us burial plots because we were going to starve to death without Lalita, he said I was being melodramatic. Can you imagine my pain, Vivian??? He is so insensitive.
It gets worse. I decided to summon my inner strength and humility. Yes, it is degrading and painful to get to the point of having to prepare one's own food, but I vowed to at least try. Oh, Vivian?

sliders_pric

 

Dearest Vivian,


Please be seated while you read this, my darling, for I fear that your heart may simply stop beating due to the magnitude of the tragedy that has befallen me. Oh how I loathe to distress you, but I need your prayers, for now it is only G-d that can assuage my pain.
Lalita is leaving me. She has been running our kitchen for over seven years and the last time she left for two days we packed up and stayed at the Ritz until she returned. Mother always says that if a person is unable to hire a chef for whatever awful reason, they should simply commit a crime and go to prison, because the loss of freedom is a small price to pay for the dignity of at least having your meals prepared. I've heard about people on welfare who have to clean their own homes and prepare their own food and I positively weep for the tortured souls.

Lalita came to me this week with some lame excuse about her husband having cancer and how she had to go back to Mexico to care for him.  Does the woman actually think that her husband's health condition is more of a priority than my nutrition? And what of Muffy??  The vet has her on a special high fiber diet because she simply cannot properly digest the store bought doggie foods.  I can't feed her just anything!  Does she want Muffy to develop irritable bowel syndrome like she did last winter?

Roger does not understand the gravity of the situation. Men can be so obtuse sometimes. When I insisted that he buy us burial plots because we were going to starve to death without Lalita, he said I was being melodramatic. Can you imagine my pain, Vivian??? He is so insensitive.

It gets worse. I decided to summon my inner strength and humility. Yes, it is degrading and painful to get to the point of having to prepare one's own food, but I vowed to at least try. Oh, Vivian?

Why did I not simply stab myself instead??  I decided to make chicken. I Googled a meat store in our neighborhood and asked them to send over a chicken. The man on the other line asked me what kind of chicken I wanted.  What does he mean what kind of chicken?? Does he think I have a preference as to what ethnicity, eye color or personality my chicken has???  What a dreadful, discriminatory man! "I want a regular, Caucasian, American chicken", I informed him. The awful man hung up on me.

I always knew that people who work in stores have no manners, but at least in places like Saks and Vuitton they don't hang up on people.  I will never call a meat store again! I sent Hector, out driver to go into the store and get me a chicken for dinner. Hector brought home just the right thing, but it had these little hairs poking out from it's skin.  Why did he get me a chicken with such abominable hygiene!  I called Marcia at the Spa and asked her if she ever performed hair removal on a chicken. Being the dear friend that Marcia is, she said she would come right over and have a look. She managed to get most of the hairs out with a tweezers and assured me that they wouldn't grow back before dinnertime.

But then there was the issue of the onion which the recipe insisted that I cut, which I clearly could not cut because of the dreadful smell. I have a charity benefit tonight and refuse to go stinking like that homeless women of 3rd Avenue who probably also cooks her own meals. So I skipped the onion. Then it said to mix brown sugar, ketchup and soy sauce. Well, sugar and ketchup are not foods that my nutritionist allows me to eat and if I gain so much as an ounce mother is going to insist that I fast for a week. So I decided to just use the soy sauce and poured some over the nicely tweezed chicken and put it in the microwave for ten minutes.

I was feeling exceedingly proud of myself as removed the chicken with soy sauce from the microwave and placed it in front of Roger. He took one bite, made some sort of horrid face, but finished it nevertheless. Although the whole experience was quite distasteful, I realized that this cooking thing was really not as complicated as it seems.

It was not forty minutes later when Roger began vommiting something awful and since Roger is one of the only members of the entire extended family that does NOT suffer from bulimia, I was genuinely concerned.  Eventually, I called the paramedics, who carted him off to the hospital.  It turns out that Roger had food poisoning and they had to pump his stomach of any trace of my soy covered chicken.

I cried then, bitter tears of anguish. Partly I cried because now with his stomach pumped, Roger is thinner than I am. But mostly I cried for the poor lot the universe had cast on me and I prayed that Lalita's husband would get better or just die already so that my life could resume some semblance of normalcy. I think that the problem is that I am too selfless and I let people take advantage of me. So I am going to look for a new woman to cook for me and if her husband even gets so much as the flu, I'll kill him myself. And even if I get sent to prison, it will have been worth it. Because either way, someone else will be cooking my food.

 

All my love,

Priscilla

Disclaimer:
The author of Priscilla has invented the characters purely for entertainment and comical value and is no way meant to be taken seriously or offensively.


Disclaimer:

The author of Priscilla has invented the characters purely for entertainment and comical value and is no way meant to be taken seriously or offensively.

Social Bookmarks

About the Author

Batsheva Twerski

The author is slightly more normal than her Priscilla character, but still enjoys many moments of creative insanity. She currently lives in Israel with her husband and baby daughter and has not nearly enough cleaning help.

Comments (10)

  • juststam
    15 March 2011 at 18:30 |

    When i told you those stories of my attempts at cooking i didn't expect you to blog it to the world!!!!! Only kidding, though that scene does sound like something straight out of our house. This is why I'm not the cook in this relationship. All my love and eggplant Parmesan, Caterpillar

  • THERABASH
    15 March 2011 at 19:16 |

    As a perfectly unbiased, impartial reader of this literary piece, I find myself in awe of the author's brilliance and depth. I hope that the other readers are likewise inspired and moved. Because ultimately, it is the Priscillas of the world, that have created the need for cookkosher and ultimately made it into the sensation it is today.

  • juststam
    15 March 2011 at 20:15 |

    Truer words have never been spoken, The RaBaSH is a very wise person. No wonder she was given an acronymical name with small vowels thrown in.

  • njmom
    15 March 2011 at 20:45 |

    Thanks for posting this. I laughed and laughed until I cried. Happy Purim.

  • wbd015
    16 March 2011 at 00:58 |

    The annoyance of registering and signing in is well worth it, as I can let the world know that it is so relieving to see that RABASH is still certifiably insane.

    Please keep her locked up.

  • acpinsky
    16 March 2011 at 11:30 |

    UM......VERY CUTE!! A LITTLE BIT NUTTY BUT THATS WHY WE LIKE YOU!!! :) :) :) :)I always get a good laugh when i read what Pricilla has to say! ENJOY EVERYONE!!

  • rachel
    16 March 2011 at 15:29 |

    I am looking forward to Pricilla: The novel. Great work, lets have some more!

  • SMarshak
    17 March 2011 at 03:32 |

    This is fantastic! I'd love to hear more from Pricilla, especially as Pesach draws near.... :)

  • CookMama
    24 March 2011 at 02:19 |

    FABULOUS!!!!!!!! I laughed and laughed-what amazing writing. I hope this becomes a continuous blog on cookkosher. Great way to de-stress, especially before Pessach cooking.

  • Blima
    26 February 2012 at 10:27 |

    I love this I love love it!! LOL write more please!!!!!!

Leave a comment

Please login to leave a comment.

Web Development Developed by Joomi
RADesign Designed by RADesign
zest CookKosher is a Zest Group project