get female viagra fast is superdrugsaver legit buying codeine cough syrup online low cost malaria tablets canadian brand label cialis cheap nolvadex pct in canada suhaagraat cialiswhere can buy colchicine generic name buy cheap augmentin zealand cheap generic cialis online zestril on line without prescription precose sales 2010 on line pharmacy levitra canada compazine cheapest price kindle viagra sales in canada is generic aspirin as good as bayer power v8 viagra canadian non prescription drugs viagra availability in france female viagra for sale canadianonlinepharmacies comprar viagra sin reseta en illinois buy vermox boots zovirax over the counter walgreens which generic accutane is the best citrato de sildenafila 50mg zimax maxifort levitra ohne rezept buydilantinonline buy xalatan no prescription furosemide generic and trade name compare price alli canadapharmacy24hr norvasc online cheap designer wholesale generic prilosec equivalent xanax online pharmacy mexico buy cialis ottawa diclo comprar cialis online usa clomid dosage for men free viagra samples before buying where to buy online viagra overnight-pharmacy-4-u-viagra teva prednisone amlodipine basylate 5mg tab domperidone without a rx canada drug pharmicies lamictal online cheap watches online cialis from india geriforte non perscription lenses buy nolvadex shop online with echeck how can i get duphalac does long sex time tablet name himcolin gel bd price where to buy clomiphene tablets buy albenza online ireland benicar sale on line sildenafil citrate ip order doxazosin online in us where to buy fucdin cream uk brand viagra 100mg cheap prices generic arimidex for sale rx one pharmacy viagra kaufen in europa buy generic cialis 5mg micardis discount card shop xenical cialis 5mg best price buying doxycycline from canada where to buy motrin how to get viagra without a doctor buy pills from india cialis online to hk buy promethazine vc with codeine generic viagras united states cialis pack commander viagra methylprednisolone canada no prescption nolvadex lowest price range 24 hour delivery viagra from canada viagra meglio a digiuno ? drugs no prescription cheap prazosin nightmares ativan generic viagra proffesional online australia cialis online no prescription cheap copegus version hydrochlorothiazide 25 mg order on line allegra d sale kamagra singapore viagra uk boots buying bupropion online suprax one time dose on line mercury drugstore drug coupons for viagra how can i get sinemet years aleve non perscription drowsy blue v15 pill cialis and afib wholesale generic claritin kroger 300 mg lithium carbonate doctors buy generic sildenafil diflucan otc walgreens lipothin cheapest price australia brunette in viagra commercial buy levitra in arizona buy haloperidol discount zyvox can you buy zofran over the counter dilantin sale online where can i purchase celexa xanax teva sildenafil citrate pharmacy paypal canada sito per comprare viagra order ralista online retino a for sale cialis by mail with prescription where can i purchase amoxil fungsi meloxicam speman cheapest price in malaysia prazosin low price dose cant order nolvadex online 100mg generic clomid levitra 40 super active cefixime water pills on line pharmacy generic pristiq 100mg la pela propecia 100 1 mg buy aciphex from canada no script viagra from california advair duskus with no prcription how to use vigora order sarafem online prescription generic nexium australia generic prazosin south africa canadian generic dapoxetine for sale orgams cheap reliable cialis buy abortion pill online now atarax no rx cheap propecia bought safe healthy man viagara buy cheap levitra qin online pharmacy uk no prescription buy bactrim without prescription avan free fertility pills renovator tool amoxicillan to buy from india where to buy femara drug tricor non perscription walmart avapro online no prescription diclofenac generic name alli usa pharmacy in cancun airport comprare cialis in egitto xenical diet pills price cheapest price on cialis and levitra how much does cialis cost in the street best buy accutane canadian pharmacy support net metforin for pets tesco cialis billig kaufen ventolin pills 100 mg viagra levitra vs cialis cost 148 sleeping pill uk buy ceslis www.cialis germany purchase trazodone online nexium 40 mg on line cheapest viagra tablet for man in india price viagra cape town retin a from online store#gsc.tab=0 clonidine lowest price yojimbo online pain meds how can i get maxalt you take in a day generic viagra overnight orlistat xenical buy online philly cialis buy doxycycline hyc 100mg viagra originale certificato oxytrol for men buy indinavir online kopen my kamagra buy bactrim ds viagra calgary fast shipping tagra tadalafil proventil inhaler for sale order cabgolin online without walmart levitra 20mg prices eroxim usa how can i buy viagra online viagra_in_polen_kaufen kips publishing world website cheap clomid in the usa purchase dog hydrocodone cough syrup xenical next day delivery nyc indikasi metronidazole does cialis make you horny wholesale generic nexium not as good canadian pharmacy cialis 40mg how to use vega 100 tablets buy toradol online generic tablets for long time sex nizagara tablets for sale online pharmacy that take paypal celebrex online mail order prednisone dosage flagyl forte obat apa levitra 40mg purchase differin lotion canadian pharmacy hr order free birth control online viagra superactive plus tetracycline antibiotics for dogs prescription free nitrofurantoin tablet levitra deutsch generics for usa manufactu redotex for sale pfizer viagra, online bactrim lowest price cheap viagra online from canada zetia cheapest price xm radio generic cialis hebal viagra excel reviews performance enhancing drugs for sale discount xenical alli india buy viagra without a script topamax false positive pregnancy test how much is lexapro without insurance why was cafergot discontinued order pills online with echeck doxazosin online cheap india india pharmacy viagra india pharmacy no prescription needed 7 day prednisone pack canada24 online pharmacies in usa overnight buy azithromycin chlamydia treatment why silagra is used cash on delivery drug store how can i get cialis on prescription buy periactin online no prescription testosterone anadoil reviews meclizine buy online where can i buy zoloft counter purchase viagra online from canada cheap fml forte drops price propecia no prescription needed how can i get mestinon before cialis omline cheapest price on chloromycetin katt voltaren cream amiloride canadienpharmacy24 water pills weight loss buy viagra forged prescriptions for online valtrex viagara delivered same day delivery para que serve sertralina 50mg esomeprazole magnesium no prescription lisinopril mail order generic levitra europe how does cialis daily work order levothyroxine no prescription shop for prilosec canada pharmacy nitrofurantoin purchase hydrochlorothiazide thru canada order nizoral no prescription cheap viagra pe metoprolol cabaser how to get antibiotics on the weekend mometasone best website to buy periacytion clitoris buy cialis get viagra free robaxin 750 viagra in jodhpur letrozole for sale with no prescription wholesale generic xalatan bottle size tadalafil 5 mg best price usa doxicap canada's rx no prescription paypal canadian pharmacy accutane accutane overnight zoloft side effects in women buy kelnor online canada amoxicillin fast does adovart work in black men european pharmacists and medics group buy cheap robaxin over the counter in canada viaca for man for sale how to get ashwagandha leaves zaditor next day delivery nyc liquid cialas buying lisinopril online allopurinol for dogs buy amantadine online in us script for valtrex valtrex without insurance best canadian pharmacy online levitra 5 mg thuoc amoxicillin via herbal viagra e bay how can i get combivent do you use generic viagra cialis canada cialis billig mens viagra how to buy lotrisone without rx purchase levothroid mcg vermox fastest delivery us how can i buy viagra in toronto ontario canadian pharmacy menosan forum https prednisone viagra tablets in chennai where can i purchase tamoxifen online levitra online bestellen styplon next day delivery time buy flagyl online best online pharmacy wit blue pill canadian pharmacy cialis pricetesco brand name levitra without prescription generic for calan sr over the counter meds like cialis 120mg viagra side effects walmart pharmacy cialis price forzest 20 mg buy atarax online tablets viagra from greece amaryl for diabetes cialis 5 mg terapia viagra available bangalore eshop where to buy alavert generic best prices for on line levitra acquisto levitra generico in italia cialis soft tabs online 1000mg oral dose of azithromycin online viagra for sale in australia synthroid from mexico suhagraat tips in hindi font viagra 200mg diflucan cena suhagra 50 cialis 5 mg daily buspar overnight shipping buy indomethacin uk prednisone black market purchase qnexa cialis en ligne canada nonprescriptionrobaxin viagra jellies over the counter generic prednisone phenergan shipped to usa cheapest price on nizoral in mercury drug carafate pravastatin sodium 40 mg buy zetia online epocrates canadian pharmacy famvir direct revatio purchase purchase acyclovir online buy evista at walmart actos 15 mg tablet price trusted pharmacy viagra online reviews home made viagra valtrex to buy how can i get ditropan stay in your system best pharmacy online where can i one buy?????? cialis generic with paypal can you buy an inhaler over the counter buy viagra online in malaysia 189 candianpharamacy viagra in kuwait where to buy grifulvin made canadian pharmacies selling avodart ginseng cheapest price for 2012 cialysis canada 4 day shipping indian aunty blue diamond pills 100 cialis for sale on line buy sildenafil without prescription wholesale generic zyban side effects hydrochlorothiazide side effects 5mg cialis canada buy metoclopramide long term use of benadryl in dogs cialis tablets 20 mg prices suche_viagra_zu_kaufen best price on brand viagra kamagra uk paypal accept canadian drugs no prescription buy viagra in poland viagra vipps pharmacy viagra cheap india elocon without a prescription where to buy abayas online elimite cream walgreens low cost zestril dosage cialis price ireland muse medicinale free sample of lexapro get clomid from india shortage of alli nonpres viagra echeck order doxycycline hyclate from canadian roaccutane uk best place to buy kamagra online buy-accutane-online-pharmacy-in-turkey buy sublingual cialis viagra dapoxetine atorvastatin buy india canadian meds without an rx sildenafil tablets como conseguir viagra buy viagra super active online order azithromycin 250 mg buy wall calendar online india pain pills list alli in stock uk top rated viiagra site stromectol medication for sale dutasteride bestellen levitra orodispersible viagra vs generic malegra for sale in canada where can i find clonazepam can i get ventolin over the counter uk viagra philippines prices cheap rumalaya salbe canadian pharmacy lexapro cvs buy vermox rid of worms athens transit zestril non perscription eyeglasses terramycin without prescription canada costco pharmacy prices levitra 52 cheap caveerject viagra canadian pharmacy fast shipping liquis pharmacy buy clomid online uk chemist weight loss orlistat medical fl xenical kullananlar how can i get coumadin help with afib zyprexa without a prescription cafergot tablets america citalopram prescription nolvadex without prescription viagra in bangalore ritalin online uk no prescription aumoxtine500 no description needed viagra for sale in alaska non perscription candian drugs order mifepristone online us online pharmacy overnight delivery dramamine uk buy albuterol inhaler no prescription tretinoin gel no prescription canada dapoxetine fda approval canadian pharmacy motrin suspension canadian pharmacy online no script kamagra oral jelly thailand but online buy prozac without prescription buy lisinopril 12.5 buywithpaypal cialis discount easiest way to get viagra prescription generic serevent patent generic brand for alli wholesale generic lotensin hct order accutane online canada pakistan sex com rx order support how often can atarax be taken mail order testosterone buy alesse online no prescription buy cheap abortion pills online generic carafate vs brand mhairwara battalion buy generic propecia united states mestinon cheapest price kroger synthroid buy promethazine hydrochloride buy wellbutrin online discount shuddha guggulu ramdev viagra contrareembolso keftab cheapest price where estrace cream no prescription buy cheap sinemet veterinary can men use womans cialis azulfidine buy online with paypal red cialis viagra accutane from canada no rx where to buy xalatan legal

CATEGORY

Priscilla in the Kitchen

Written by Batsheva Twerski on Monday, 14 March 2011. Posted in Humor

Dearest Vivian,
Please be seated while you read this, my darling, for I fear that your heart may simply stop beating due to the magnitude of the tragedy that has befallen me. Oh how I loathe to distress you, but I need your prayers, for now it is only G-d that can assuage my pain.
Lalita is leaving me. She has been running our kitchen for over seven years and the last time she left for two days we packed up and stayed at the Ritz until she returned. Mother always says that if a person is unable to hire a chef for whatever awful reason, they should simply commit a crime and go to prison, because the loss of freedom is a small price to pay for the dignity of at least having your meals prepared. I've heard about people on welfare who have to clean their own homes and prepare their own food and I positively weep for the tortured souls.
Lalita came to me this week with some lame excuse about her husband having cancer and how she had to go back to Mexico to care for him.  Does the woman actually think that her husband's health condition is more of a priority than my nutrition? And what of Muffy??  The vet has her on a special high fiber diet because she simply cannot properly digest the store bought doggie foods.  I can't feed her just anything!  Does she want Muffy to develop irritable bowel syndrome like she did last winter?
Roger does not understand the gravity of the situation. Men can be so obtuse sometimes. When I insisted that he buy us burial plots because we were going to starve to death without Lalita, he said I was being melodramatic. Can you imagine my pain, Vivian??? He is so insensitive.
It gets worse. I decided to summon my inner strength and humility. Yes, it is degrading and painful to get to the point of having to prepare one's own food, but I vowed to at least try. Oh, Vivian?

sliders_pric

 

Dearest Vivian,


Please be seated while you read this, my darling, for I fear that your heart may simply stop beating due to the magnitude of the tragedy that has befallen me. Oh how I loathe to distress you, but I need your prayers, for now it is only G-d that can assuage my pain.
Lalita is leaving me. She has been running our kitchen for over seven years and the last time she left for two days we packed up and stayed at the Ritz until she returned. Mother always says that if a person is unable to hire a chef for whatever awful reason, they should simply commit a crime and go to prison, because the loss of freedom is a small price to pay for the dignity of at least having your meals prepared. I've heard about people on welfare who have to clean their own homes and prepare their own food and I positively weep for the tortured souls.

Lalita came to me this week with some lame excuse about her husband having cancer and how she had to go back to Mexico to care for him.  Does the woman actually think that her husband's health condition is more of a priority than my nutrition? And what of Muffy??  The vet has her on a special high fiber diet because she simply cannot properly digest the store bought doggie foods.  I can't feed her just anything!  Does she want Muffy to develop irritable bowel syndrome like she did last winter?

Roger does not understand the gravity of the situation. Men can be so obtuse sometimes. When I insisted that he buy us burial plots because we were going to starve to death without Lalita, he said I was being melodramatic. Can you imagine my pain, Vivian??? He is so insensitive.

It gets worse. I decided to summon my inner strength and humility. Yes, it is degrading and painful to get to the point of having to prepare one's own food, but I vowed to at least try. Oh, Vivian?

Why did I not simply stab myself instead??  I decided to make chicken. I Googled a meat store in our neighborhood and asked them to send over a chicken. The man on the other line asked me what kind of chicken I wanted.  What does he mean what kind of chicken?? Does he think I have a preference as to what ethnicity, eye color or personality my chicken has???  What a dreadful, discriminatory man! "I want a regular, Caucasian, American chicken", I informed him. The awful man hung up on me.

I always knew that people who work in stores have no manners, but at least in places like Saks and Vuitton they don't hang up on people.  I will never call a meat store again! I sent Hector, out driver to go into the store and get me a chicken for dinner. Hector brought home just the right thing, but it had these little hairs poking out from it's skin.  Why did he get me a chicken with such abominable hygiene!  I called Marcia at the Spa and asked her if she ever performed hair removal on a chicken. Being the dear friend that Marcia is, she said she would come right over and have a look. She managed to get most of the hairs out with a tweezers and assured me that they wouldn't grow back before dinnertime.

But then there was the issue of the onion which the recipe insisted that I cut, which I clearly could not cut because of the dreadful smell. I have a charity benefit tonight and refuse to go stinking like that homeless women of 3rd Avenue who probably also cooks her own meals. So I skipped the onion. Then it said to mix brown sugar, ketchup and soy sauce. Well, sugar and ketchup are not foods that my nutritionist allows me to eat and if I gain so much as an ounce mother is going to insist that I fast for a week. So I decided to just use the soy sauce and poured some over the nicely tweezed chicken and put it in the microwave for ten minutes.

I was feeling exceedingly proud of myself as removed the chicken with soy sauce from the microwave and placed it in front of Roger. He took one bite, made some sort of horrid face, but finished it nevertheless. Although the whole experience was quite distasteful, I realized that this cooking thing was really not as complicated as it seems.

It was not forty minutes later when Roger began vommiting something awful and since Roger is one of the only members of the entire extended family that does NOT suffer from bulimia, I was genuinely concerned.  Eventually, I called the paramedics, who carted him off to the hospital.  It turns out that Roger had food poisoning and they had to pump his stomach of any trace of my soy covered chicken.

I cried then, bitter tears of anguish. Partly I cried because now with his stomach pumped, Roger is thinner than I am. But mostly I cried for the poor lot the universe had cast on me and I prayed that Lalita's husband would get better or just die already so that my life could resume some semblance of normalcy. I think that the problem is that I am too selfless and I let people take advantage of me. So I am going to look for a new woman to cook for me and if her husband even gets so much as the flu, I'll kill him myself. And even if I get sent to prison, it will have been worth it. Because either way, someone else will be cooking my food.

 

All my love,

Priscilla

Disclaimer:
The author of Priscilla has invented the characters purely for entertainment and comical value and is no way meant to be taken seriously or offensively.


Disclaimer:

The author of Priscilla has invented the characters purely for entertainment and comical value and is no way meant to be taken seriously or offensively.

Social Bookmarks

About the Author

Batsheva Twerski

The author is slightly more normal than her Priscilla character, but still enjoys many moments of creative insanity. She currently lives in Israel with her husband and baby daughter and has not nearly enough cleaning help.

Comments (10)

  • juststam
    15 March 2011 at 18:30 |

    When i told you those stories of my attempts at cooking i didn't expect you to blog it to the world!!!!! Only kidding, though that scene does sound like something straight out of our house. This is why I'm not the cook in this relationship. All my love and eggplant Parmesan, Caterpillar

  • THERABASH
    15 March 2011 at 19:16 |

    As a perfectly unbiased, impartial reader of this literary piece, I find myself in awe of the author's brilliance and depth. I hope that the other readers are likewise inspired and moved. Because ultimately, it is the Priscillas of the world, that have created the need for cookkosher and ultimately made it into the sensation it is today.

  • juststam
    15 March 2011 at 20:15 |

    Truer words have never been spoken, The RaBaSH is a very wise person. No wonder she was given an acronymical name with small vowels thrown in.

  • njmom
    15 March 2011 at 20:45 |

    Thanks for posting this. I laughed and laughed until I cried. Happy Purim.

  • wbd015
    16 March 2011 at 00:58 |

    The annoyance of registering and signing in is well worth it, as I can let the world know that it is so relieving to see that RABASH is still certifiably insane.

    Please keep her locked up.

  • acpinsky
    16 March 2011 at 11:30 |

    UM......VERY CUTE!! A LITTLE BIT NUTTY BUT THATS WHY WE LIKE YOU!!! :) :) :) :)I always get a good laugh when i read what Pricilla has to say! ENJOY EVERYONE!!

  • rachel
    16 March 2011 at 15:29 |

    I am looking forward to Pricilla: The novel. Great work, lets have some more!

  • SMarshak
    17 March 2011 at 03:32 |

    This is fantastic! I'd love to hear more from Pricilla, especially as Pesach draws near.... :)

  • CookMama
    24 March 2011 at 02:19 |

    FABULOUS!!!!!!!! I laughed and laughed-what amazing writing. I hope this becomes a continuous blog on cookkosher. Great way to de-stress, especially before Pessach cooking.

  • Blima
    26 February 2012 at 10:27 |

    I love this I love love it!! LOL write more please!!!!!!

Leave a comment

Please login to leave a comment.

Web Development Developed by Joomi
RADesign Designed by RADesign
zest CookKosher is a Zest Group project